I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
