You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize