But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
