I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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