p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
