saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
