Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just found a bag of teeth...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
