Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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