btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
high people should be assigned attendants
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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