This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
