What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
