i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
