Little spoons don't ask big questions
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
