he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
