According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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