He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize