You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
