I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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