whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i came on her dog
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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