Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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