My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
