Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
