I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
