you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it's like heaven, but drunker
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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