She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
