I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
