I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I smell like Dick and happiness
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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