Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just pee around me
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
