I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
