Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
