why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
