ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
