Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize