Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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