I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
