I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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