I got chris browned last night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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