Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The best revenge is premature balding
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
