pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
