your parents love me but you hate me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
