i love accidental penises.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
