Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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