6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize