We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
