The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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