Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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