he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
