Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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