When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
