there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
