Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
