He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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