I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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