Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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