My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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