Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
