She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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