The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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