Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize