While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
