I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
